To all the many dozens of “bad” doctors I have encountered. I am not angry with you because you failed to properly diagnose or “fix” me. I am angry with you because you gave up on me, gave up on my life and drive for my future, how you scarified my trust not only in medicine but in people because you never tried to begin with. Its not that I believe you are all bad people. Though I admit the ways I observed some of you treat not only me but my family, your staff, and colleges makes me inclined to believe you are a rotten soul. I am angry at your narrow mindedness. That because I wasn’t in some largely studied section of your precious textbook I am not worthwhile. I am not an easy payday or quota you can solve with a few visits and a prescription, and to you that made me less than worthy of your time and education.
I am angry I spent years suffering needlessly because I was “too young to be sick”. That somehow because I was in your office instead of in college or starting a family my well being is not as critical to you. Because the only beings reliant on me had fur and feathers there was no rush to give me relief. That somehow there must be something better I should be doing with my time than seeking relief from a broken misunderstood body.
I am angry for all the tests you never ordered and all the referrals never asked. I am angry for all the times you gave up after your did just enough to not be legally liable. I am angry you “passed the buck” and never followed up with insurance to be sure I was able to actually see the doctor you intended. I am angry for all the wasted visits that ended with no progress and your rebuke because you choose not to review my chart before I had to drag my dysfunctional body to your office.
I am angry for days like yesterday that could have been avoided if only you dedicated your efforts to my care instead of letting my body deteriorate beyond the point of repair leaving me suffering the consequences the rest of my life. I am angry I have virtually no recourse against you knowing in your career you’ll do this to someone else. I am angry that I am the one subject to scrutiny and ridicule because I am not your average patient with an average illness.
I am especially angry for when your failed at average. For every UTI that lasted longer than it had do. For every case of bronchitis gone untreated who’s coughing dislocated my ribs and shoulders. I am angry because my chronic pain isn’t as respected and deserving of your care purely because it is chronic.
In the end I am angry you chose to be less than your potential. You made deliberate choices not to use or expand your knowledge. You chose a path for me I didn’t want or ask for and that I am still living. You didn’t go through all that education to only help the average but that is the route you choose and in doing so you failed me.
You lost opportunities for compassion, knowledge, and the ability to change more than just my life. I mourn the people known or not that I was unable to help because I was in your office or suffering the consequences of your neglect. Your choices were not isolated and the results were not contained, that is a loss to so many. I am not only selfishly angry for my personal losses I am angry that you never took to moment to think or realize what ripples your lack of effort cost.