Oh blogiverse. Its been a tumultuous time in my world. This year has felt as though my path had been steered directly toward a funnel cloud not knowing what fury it would fling my way.  There have been some incredible highs such as receiving my first custom wheelchair (Permobile M300) and deep lows including a rapid physical decline and the death of a dear friend. To sum it up I lost my “mojo” for a while. Its been a slow climb to find yet another new normal, especially with the loss of my friend. Though we weren’t a see each other regularly and always on the phone type of friends. We were the kind who could not speak for months yet still know with certainty we each would drop everything to be there for the other if asked as though not a second had passed.

Guilt is an encompassing emotion. My friend passed while pursuing her passion traveling the world. Having died abroad it took some time before immediate family were notified and had the incredible responsibility of navigating the channels to bring her body home. It was months after that before friends and professional contacts were then notified, including myself. It was difficult to process that she had been gone from this earth for months and I didn’t somehow “know”. Losing someone like her feels like losing a piece of my body and how I was going about my life not noticing the gaping hole feels impossible. Like an injustice that I didn’t feel a physical pain the moment she passed.

That surge of emotion sent me for a spin. On top of the additional physical struggles of traveling to receive medical care earlier this year it was to much for me to cope with and maintain anything past survival functions. No just for fun get togethers with friends, no support group, no writing, no blogging, no battling insurance for coverage I deserve, I didn’t even have the spirit to go grocery shopping or fix a pharmacy error. So I went a month without one of my primary medications which certainly did nothing improve my quality of life.

Its taken time and dedication to remember and act on what I needed to build myself up. This friend was a major part of my support system. Especially being that both our first encounters were through two different support groups. Getting to know each other through that filter meant being together several days a week as our most honest and authentic vulnerable selves. That’s a very unique and cherished way to grow a friendship, so even as we grew out of those groups and parted physical company the depth of the emotional bond is indescribable and irreplaceable. I needed to sort through the grief and anger before I came to the point of using the coping tools we had learned and shared.

I needed the haze to lift before I could compartmentalize the desolation and move forward in a way that honored the time I did share with her. With steps to take back responsibility for the tenuous balance I try to sustain in my dysfunctional body. Righting my medication, returning to the appointments I had previously canceled, changing my insurance group to enable better access to specialists I need, cooking/dehydrating and preparing healthy food to nourish myself has all been a part of the process keeping me away from here.

I cant say I feel balanced as of yet but the efforts have been rewarded. My “mojo” might not be in full swing but my creative juices are starting to trickle through and back out into the world to pursue my passion in helping others achieve the best life they can. I will always feel her loss but working towards my goals helps me “feel” her presence in a more positive light than only her physical absence.

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